Surrender to Grace

October 13th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day
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The word for today was surrender.

Earlier in the day as I was driving to the clinic after my lunch meeting, I was thinking that maybe giving up was the right word. Giving up on the hopes of a job I wasn’t sure of, giving up my Parisian wishes, giving up on the research I really, really don’t wanna do, giving up on the Philippines and just packing up and finally going abroad, giving up on the familiar comforts of home….just giving up.

Then during yoga class (yes, once again the Universe sends me an answer while I’m in yoga class), it dawned on me that giving up isn’t an option. Never was, never will be.

Surrender, however, is.

I guess that’s why people call it “sweet surrender”, right? Because somehow despite the discomfort, uncertainty, and even pain that surrendering may bring, there is indeed something sweet somewhere ’round the corner. It reminded me of something I said last night to one of my oldest and dearest friends…I said sometimes it’s best to just sit there and surrender to the reality of things, not blindly accepting it in defeat, but knowing that by surrendering, things may just begin to become more clear. I went on to tell her too that it doesn’t mean being a passive audience in the things that unfold, but being open enough to allow yourself to accommodate and adapt to what is. After all, that’s what life is all about in the end…survival of the fittest. And I have come to realize that the fittest is not necessarily the one who fights longest or has the best arsenal, but is the one who can finally take a step back and say “I’m tired”  or “I need to take pause”. They’re the one’s too who are wise enough to know when to move forward, when to take a step back or when to stay in place.

And so I will surrender…not give up, but surrender the struggle, surrender the pressure, surrender the pain and open up to grace.

Tonight I am grateful

♥ for progress that comes in baby steps in my asanas…just a few more breaths away from that headstand I tell ya, just a few more

♥ to have been honest enough with myself to give in to my present emotion, even though it meant opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable

♥ to still want things, to feel pleasure and be able to smile despite hurt, anxiety and stress

♥ to still believe in dreams, no matter how jaded or disappointed I have become. yes, I am not giving up on them. I am just surrendering to what may be.

♥  to be able to say I surrender.

gnyt.

184/365

 

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Somewhere Beyond The Sea

October 6th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Thoughts, Sing me a Song
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Today a song was playing in my  head. It goes

Somewhere beyond the sea
somewhere waiting for me
my lover stands on golden sands
and watches the ships that go sailin’

Somewhere beyond the sea
she’s there watching for me
If I could fly like birds on high
then straight to her arms
I’d go sailin’

It’s far beyond the stars
it’s near beyond the moon
I know beyond a doubt
my heart will lead me there soon

I don’t know why but it just kept playing and playing all day long. Then I got to thinking (and this is always what gets me in trouble, haha) that maybe this is why I love the sea so much. It’s the place where I know my heart lies and my soul is whole.

And so that lover standing on golden sands is not someone else, but the me I often try to hide from the big, crazy world out there that spins too fast for my liking….the world where I find myself lost and confused, no longer knowing what or who to believe in. And I miss her oh so very, very much today. I miss knowing who I am. I miss knowing I am enough. I miss knowing I am okay, even if, despite of, and in spite of the craziness around me. I feel lost.

Today a wise woman, dare I say a wise friend, told me that I must remember to get in touch with that part of me and allow that inner self fill my longing heart with love and comfort, and so as I tried to reflect on her words, I thought of the place that really allowed me to get in touch with my soul, and realized that perhaps that’s why I find so much comfort in the sea. In the sea, I find me.

In search of the right words to explain why I find such comfort, I came across a quote by one of my favorite poets, Rainer Maria Rilke that goes:

That’s exactly what the sea is for me….a place where everything that leaves me
bewildered and confused goes away and is settled. It is where all the noise of the world is shut off and quieted, leaving me to feel what is essential and real. As I said, it is where I find “me”.

Though I may not find myself by the sea tonight, or any time soon for that matter, I have that lover waiting by the sea and soon, without a doubt, my heart will lead me there soon.

And so I end today with a more quiet and content heart, still filled with gratitude despite of all the confusion it has found itself in lately.

I am grateful for

♥  words of wisdom and the hard cold truth, even if it can take my breath away at the moment I hear it
♥ the comfort of afternoon naps
♥ the enjoyment I get from teaching my clinpsy classes, even though today’s lecture was more difficult than usual
♥ the joy my boys bring me
♥ the little things, like the Monster’s Riot and the Morning Rush, the thank you’s and how are you’s, and the bright rays of sunshine that warmed me today and brought a smile to my face.

gnyt.
177/365

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Stop, Look, Listen. And Breathe.

September 29th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Note To Self, Project 365, Random Thoughts
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I finally, after so many, many weeks of not being able to do so, made my way back to yin yoga class. As always, the quiet stillness that yin brings me makes me realize so many things as it is perhaps one of the most intimate times I have with just my soul. It was bright and sunny when we started the practice. A wee bit stuffy, I must say. We started the class with my all-time favorite pose, the butterfly. Immediately I felt a warmth embrace my heart and just suddenly all the tightness in my chest felt so much lighter and though I felt tears spring to my eyes, this time they didn’t bring bitter pain, rather it was a sense of nostalgia and relief I felt. When I sat up after the pose, through the window pane and right in front of my teachers mat was a pretty rainbow. Brightly colored, deep and intense. All I could do was smile and know that it was a sign of things to come.

As always the poses and the stories woven by my yoga teacher always resonates with what my innermost thoughts and feelings. Early on into the practice, one thing hit home to me immediately…it is so easy to fall back into old, hard-wired patterns of behavior. It creeps up so surreptitiously, with no warning signs at all. If you are unmindful or drop your guard, it is so easy for it to overtake and just take hold of you once again.

And yes, that’s where I found myself these past few weeks. Trapped in old patterns of behavior without realizing it, without paying heed, unmindful of everything else but the stubborn belief that I was in the right. I fell hard and deep because I failed to be still. To listen. To breathe. To just be.

I got caught up in my anxieties. I got trapped by my insecurities. I was a slave, once more, to impulses that would not be patient and just wait. In doing so, I became a cesspool of toxicity, not just to myself but to others around me. I leached energy from wherever I could grab it, and I leaked out whatever I had.I lost sight of all the good because I got caught up in what I was holding on to. Like that proverbial moth to a flame, I found myself drawn to the fire and got singed and burnt. Sadly, because of my carelessness, I singed and burnt my surroundings as well. As a result, I managed to cause so much hurt and damage along the way.

Admittedly I found myself struggling a wee bit with the stillness tonight. Much like a cartoon in my head, I watched the two sides of me converse and bicker, trying hard to negotiate and bargain until in the end, I realized the only thing left to be done was to accept that that’s the way it is for now.

And so as I sat in saddle this evening, this quote from the book I am rereading came to mind…

I remembered how I had so casually labeled that pose an “enemy”. In the beginning I expected to find the usual discomfort and pain getting in to it, but surprisingly, it didn’t hurt that bad. I realized that I had indeed created such characters —on and off the mat — and I held on too much to these roles, believing that this was the only way it would be.

I was wrong. It was wrong of me to be so definitive in my stance, forgetting to soften and just allow for things (and myself) to just be. I became so fixated in the way things SHOULD be (according to my perceptions that is) that I did not see what was happening along the way. Perhaps all the grief and pain I have been feeling lately is really just the pain of losing something I made up, something I misguidedly created and not the real thing and if I release the what-might-have-been, then I can find the what-really-is.

Tonight I am reminded to soften and let go. To release and surrender and to trust the path that lies ahead, knowing full well that as long as I keep my head on straight, listen to my heart and open up to what might be, and to be still despite discomfort, there is much indeed to be gained.

And so I end the day with a grateful heart…

♥  i am grateful to be reminded to be mindful and aware

♥  i am grateful to find my way back to being me, even if it is taking a long, long time

♥  i am grateful for signs

♥  i am grateful to find a flicker of hope once again

♥  i am grateful for all the wonderful dots in my life

170/365

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Desiderata

July 29th, 2011 Posted in Quote for the Day
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Words to live by :)

photo taken from here.

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Simple Abundance

July 26th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Quote for the Day, Random Thoughts
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Today I felt the sun shine down on me.

No, not literally as it was an extremely rainy day, one that in some other time, would have been a struggle for me. Rainy days like these always had so much power over me but for some reason, today I couldn’t stop smiling and radiating from the inside and it kept bubbling out to the surface. I literally walked around with a smile on my face, and not just one that turned up my lips, but went all the way to my heart :) And no, nothing grand happened and as I said on my Facebook status message earlier today, the troubles I have are still the same, the thoughts and concerns that have been weighing me down still are there (and well, continue to grow, I must admit).

The only thing I could really think of all day is that I am so blessed…

Despite of all the not-so-great things happening.

In spite of the troubles that come my way

And even because of all of these put together.

Then I came across this quote when I got back home from a second day of yoga…

We already have so much abundance. We truly do. We need not search too far. It is within. The reason we fail to recognize this is because we haven't quite mastered the art of being. For abundance to prevail, we must have love, gratitude, acceptance and compassion. John Welwood

I guess yeah, the reason why I couldn’t contain that bubbly sunshine in me is because today I realized I am learning to appreciate the art of just being :)

And so tonight I allow abundance to prevail by saying I am oh so grateful

♥  for all the love that comes my way, not just from others but even from myself :)

♥  to be able to surrender and accept the fact that some things are just the way they are, even if I forget at times. Or struggle with it from time to time.

♥  that I am able to share bits and pieces of me to others, but that now I can give without giving too much, or losing myself in it for that matter

♥  to be reminded of taking things one step at a time, no short cuts and to appreciate the value of each moment, even if it hurts or is challenging (yes, I realized that while holding my umpteenth plank!)

♥  that I am learning to give myself permission to just be….flighty, airheaded, bubbly and all :) and yes, this can exist in the cerebral world I live in.

oh…and an additional thing to be grateful for tonight is the reminder of simple abundance.

105/365

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Is Giving Up an Option?

July 22nd, 2011 Posted in Note To Self, Quote for the Day
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I had posted in my Facebook wall earlier that I so wish giving up was an option, even just for today. Sigh. I’m so tired already.

But as my friend said, talk to me Meredith Grey, and so I was reminded of this:

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How to Live

July 10th, 2011 Posted in Uncategorized
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Came across this quote from a friends Facebook wall and thought it would be nice to share :)

I do have to work on the dancing though. Harhar :)

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Oh the Universe!

July 4th, 2011 Posted in Uncategorized
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Woke up to this message on one of my favorite FB apps:

:) I have to agree.

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Emotional Pack Rat

June 26th, 2011 Posted in Note To Self, Random Thoughts
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I’ve been working on learning how to let go of a lot of things lately, in all sense of the word. I dawned on me that I really am such a pack rat. Some may call it a hoarder, but I think pack rat is a better description. I have difficulty letting go of things for sentimental reasons, after all.

When it comes to my material belongings, I have made progress. I recently gave away a whole bunch of stuff that I don’t really need anymore (even though, yeah, they’re fun to have). Granted I still have my collections (such as my Starbucks City Mug collection) I have made it a point to stop starting new ones :) That’s progress, right?

Now…when it comes to letting go of emotions…that’s another story.

I realized that I hold on too tightly to emotions, both good and bad and because of this, I often find myself hurt and disappointed. And so today is the day I make a conscious effort to lay these down. No, I don’t intend to stop caring for people, or perhaps to distance myself from those I love. In the same manner, I put too much meaning into things that are said and not said, thus opening up myself to frustrations. Gosh, even people who don’t matter are able to push my buttons. That’s how much I hold on to these things. And so for today I remind myself of this:
Letting Go

:)

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Bendywendy Me

June 14th, 2011 Posted in Life Lessons, Note To Self, Quote for the Day, Random Thoughts, Word For the Day
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I used to put the concept of compromise in such a bad light…it always felt like settling to me, or perhaps, a sign of weakness. Today, however, as I drove home in silence as I have learned to do so well, that word suddenly popped into my head.

Compromise.

The dictionary defines it as “a settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions” or  “to arrive at a settlement by making concessions“. It can also mean “to reduce the quality, value, or degree of something“. I  guess the third definition is really to what I held my meaning of compromise to for the longest time. And because it made me feel that by compromising, I reduce MY value, I refused to settle. I refused to make do. I refused to bend and just let things be the way they have to be.

Today however, I decided that there comes a point in time when compromising is the wiser choice.

If I were to define compromise for me today, however, it would mean to bend, not to give in but to just make space and to go where the wind blows. As Bruce Lee puts it:

And so like I said, I would like to think of it more as bending with the wind, rather than giving up. Maybe with some things, the best thing to do is really to just compromise. When it comes to moral principles or my God or the fundamentals, however, I do know not to compromise, but with the everyday things that come…work, for example, or perhaps family, finances, relationships, country…maybe to compromise is not such a bad thing.

And so here I am, bending with the wind. Like bamboo, I will bend.

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