A few days ago my Eiffel Tower key chain broke. To be honest, I kinda broke it because I was picking on one of the legs of the tower that had gotten bent. I was forcing it to go back to it’s original position so it would be “fixed” again but in doing so, it cracked. And the next thing I knew, it fell off.
I was quite sad when the leg broke off, not necessarily because of the key chain but because of what it represented to me. Not too long ago in one of my jungle clean-ups (aka attempts to fix my room), I came across several old key chains that had been given to me as pasalubongs over time. Among them was the Eiffel Tower, a gift from my cousin when she came home from Paris. When I saw it, I told myself this was a sign that my dream of going to Paris to see it for myself will come true one day. I told myself that it was a symbol of my prayers for my dreams, a reminder to keep striving to get to it, and a totem to hold on to so I can persevere and keep trying.
To put things in context, just before I ushered in 2011 I said I wanted to do two things this year: to do yoga and to learn French. Well, I did the yoga part but the learning French had to take a back seat to doing my research and so that’s been on hold. However, for some reason I seem to keep running into little signs that point to Paris…such as walking into a sports store and seeing a bag with the Eiffel Tower on it when it was kinda out of place in such a store, or suddenly having a little kid build a puzzle of the Eiffel Tower in some random restaurant…all of those I took as signs pointing to my dreams.
And so when the tower broke, that kinda felt like my dream had broken too. More so, I must admit the feeling of sadness about the brokenness also comes from a deeper source, as my heart and soul have been feeling kinda battered and bruised lately. And yes, a wee bit broken because of the way things have unfolded around me….dreams that haven’t come true….beliefs that turned out to be false….signs that were misinterpreted and misread…and so that physical image of the broken dream kinda made me a little more jaded. I suddenly felt like that proverbial moth who flew too close to the flame and got her wings singed.
Then today as my cousin and I were talking while stuck in traffic, she said something that kinda made me think about whether the dream is actually broken beyond repair or if it was one that needed to be looked at in a different perspective. Sure it may not be 100% intact anymore, but then it still works, right? Then I said something like I don’t know if the disappointments and feeling of failure, as well as the insecurity that comes along with it, is worth the effort. Nakakapanghinayang, I said. Nakakapagod, nakakalungkot, nakakagalit, at nakakasama ng loob. She goes on to say wag kasi pilitin. Give it time, baka nga mangyari kung hindi e di hindi. So yeah, like my key chain, I’ve been forcing my dreams and desires to happen and in the process, I break things.
Perhaps there’s a reason why things have to break after all…maybe it’s a lesson to be learned, or perhaps an opening for new beginnings. At the moment of it breaking, it may hurt like hell and I guess it may not make sense but eventually, its bound to and maybe then I can see what it’s value was in my life. And yeah, while there may be some regret that comes along with the process, a wee bit of sadness and dashed hopes for what was and what could have been, it’s gotta have a reason.
This whole thing reminded me of something a friend of mine sent me via a text message some time ago. I can’t remember anymore the exact message but it goes something like there’s no such thing as difficult, only worth it or something of that sort. And with those words in mind (as I have come to love doing lately) I googled those keywords and tried to find a quote that captured what I was feeling and thinking today. I found this:
And so yeah, I’ll give it time. Maybe it isn’t time for Paris yet. Or maybe Paris isn’t the right destination for me….maybe it’s Bali where I can find my own guru and figure out whether teaching yoga is actually in my path or maybe it’s a reminder that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
So tonight I am grateful
♥ for long conversations while stuck in traffic
♥ for five full days of yoga
♥ to find bits and pieces of my heart to put back together again.
♥ to have taken chances, to have loved and lost, and to be able to stand up again even with a “broken foot” like my Eiffel Tower. It still works after all
♥ for the pretty blue sky today…it was a welcome reminder that indeed, the sun does come out tomorrow and that sometimes, rainy days are necessary.