Surrender to Grace

October 13th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day
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The word for today was surrender.

Earlier in the day as I was driving to the clinic after my lunch meeting, I was thinking that maybe giving up was the right word. Giving up on the hopes of a job I wasn’t sure of, giving up my Parisian wishes, giving up on the research I really, really don’t wanna do, giving up on the Philippines and just packing up and finally going abroad, giving up on the familiar comforts of home….just giving up.

Then during yoga class (yes, once again the Universe sends me an answer while I’m in yoga class), it dawned on me that giving up isn’t an option. Never was, never will be.

Surrender, however, is.

I guess that’s why people call it “sweet surrender”, right? Because somehow despite the discomfort, uncertainty, and even pain that surrendering may bring, there is indeed something sweet somewhere ’round the corner. It reminded me of something I said last night to one of my oldest and dearest friends…I said sometimes it’s best to just sit there and surrender to the reality of things, not blindly accepting it in defeat, but knowing that by surrendering, things may just begin to become more clear. I went on to tell her too that it doesn’t mean being a passive audience in the things that unfold, but being open enough to allow yourself to accommodate and adapt to what is. After all, that’s what life is all about in the end…survival of the fittest. And I have come to realize that the fittest is not necessarily the one who fights longest or has the best arsenal, but is the one who can finally take a step back and say “I’m tired”  or “I need to take pause”. They’re the one’s too who are wise enough to know when to move forward, when to take a step back or when to stay in place.

And so I will surrender…not give up, but surrender the struggle, surrender the pressure, surrender the pain and open up to grace.

Tonight I am grateful

♥ for progress that comes in baby steps in my asanas…just a few more breaths away from that headstand I tell ya, just a few more

♥ to have been honest enough with myself to give in to my present emotion, even though it meant opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable

♥ to still want things, to feel pleasure and be able to smile despite hurt, anxiety and stress

♥ to still believe in dreams, no matter how jaded or disappointed I have become. yes, I am not giving up on them. I am just surrendering to what may be.

♥  to be able to say I surrender.

gnyt.

184/365

 

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Stop, Look, Listen. And Breathe.

September 29th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Note To Self, Project 365, Random Thoughts
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I finally, after so many, many weeks of not being able to do so, made my way back to yin yoga class. As always, the quiet stillness that yin brings me makes me realize so many things as it is perhaps one of the most intimate times I have with just my soul. It was bright and sunny when we started the practice. A wee bit stuffy, I must say. We started the class with my all-time favorite pose, the butterfly. Immediately I felt a warmth embrace my heart and just suddenly all the tightness in my chest felt so much lighter and though I felt tears spring to my eyes, this time they didn’t bring bitter pain, rather it was a sense of nostalgia and relief I felt. When I sat up after the pose, through the window pane and right in front of my teachers mat was a pretty rainbow. Brightly colored, deep and intense. All I could do was smile and know that it was a sign of things to come.

As always the poses and the stories woven by my yoga teacher always resonates with what my innermost thoughts and feelings. Early on into the practice, one thing hit home to me immediately…it is so easy to fall back into old, hard-wired patterns of behavior. It creeps up so surreptitiously, with no warning signs at all. If you are unmindful or drop your guard, it is so easy for it to overtake and just take hold of you once again.

And yes, that’s where I found myself these past few weeks. Trapped in old patterns of behavior without realizing it, without paying heed, unmindful of everything else but the stubborn belief that I was in the right. I fell hard and deep because I failed to be still. To listen. To breathe. To just be.

I got caught up in my anxieties. I got trapped by my insecurities. I was a slave, once more, to impulses that would not be patient and just wait. In doing so, I became a cesspool of toxicity, not just to myself but to others around me. I leached energy from wherever I could grab it, and I leaked out whatever I had.I lost sight of all the good because I got caught up in what I was holding on to. Like that proverbial moth to a flame, I found myself drawn to the fire and got singed and burnt. Sadly, because of my carelessness, I singed and burnt my surroundings as well. As a result, I managed to cause so much hurt and damage along the way.

Admittedly I found myself struggling a wee bit with the stillness tonight. Much like a cartoon in my head, I watched the two sides of me converse and bicker, trying hard to negotiate and bargain until in the end, I realized the only thing left to be done was to accept that that’s the way it is for now.

And so as I sat in saddle this evening, this quote from the book I am rereading came to mind…

I remembered how I had so casually labeled that pose an “enemy”. In the beginning I expected to find the usual discomfort and pain getting in to it, but surprisingly, it didn’t hurt that bad. I realized that I had indeed created such characters —on and off the mat — and I held on too much to these roles, believing that this was the only way it would be.

I was wrong. It was wrong of me to be so definitive in my stance, forgetting to soften and just allow for things (and myself) to just be. I became so fixated in the way things SHOULD be (according to my perceptions that is) that I did not see what was happening along the way. Perhaps all the grief and pain I have been feeling lately is really just the pain of losing something I made up, something I misguidedly created and not the real thing and if I release the what-might-have-been, then I can find the what-really-is.

Tonight I am reminded to soften and let go. To release and surrender and to trust the path that lies ahead, knowing full well that as long as I keep my head on straight, listen to my heart and open up to what might be, and to be still despite discomfort, there is much indeed to be gained.

And so I end the day with a grateful heart…

♥  i am grateful to be reminded to be mindful and aware

♥  i am grateful to find my way back to being me, even if it is taking a long, long time

♥  i am grateful for signs

♥  i am grateful to find a flicker of hope once again

♥  i am grateful for all the wonderful dots in my life

170/365

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It Isn’t All Bad….

June 2nd, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Project 365
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I had to wake up at 6 am today, because I have an 8 am class and well, I’m not a morning person, right? I must say, though, that it was perhaps the only not-too-bright spot of the day. And ya know, it wasnt that bad :) justawittlebit.

Tonight I am so very grateful for

♥ time for yoga
♥ a quick and easy enough drive to and fro
♥ the beautiful blue sky & the pretty sunset
♥ stillness and being able to feel sure and affirmed about things, just on my own
♥ the reminder of dharana :)

51/365

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