Day 7: My Worst Habit

December 8th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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Hmmmm…..this is an interesting question to answer. Lemme seee…..for one when I’m stressed I bite my nails. Another is that I tend to get all road rage-y in traffic, and when I get bored because of it, I text…or check my Facebook. I guess you could also say I often take out my feelings on the wrong person/people, and I’m quite hard to understand (in fact, I have come to the realization that maybe it isn’t relationships that are complicated, maybe it’s just me….but that’s another blog post altogether).

Tonight,  however, I have come to realize that my worst habit is not being able to let go. What was that Dr. Teddy Altman said in Grey’s Anatomy, ” I’m not GI Jane, I’m attachment Barbie”.

Over dinner I was telling my friends how I tend to hold on to the familiar and perhaps more than just hold on, I cling to those who show me kindness and to memories of times of pure joy and happiness. I get attached. Too much at times. All too often, to be honest. Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid to not only lose them, but that maybe I won’t ever find my way back there. Maybe it’s also because of deeply rooted habits and patterns that I often become unaware of. Like I said, it’s the worst habit.

As always my yoga classes seem so timely because tonight was all about opening up and letting go. Releasing what we have learned and allowing for a new exploration, a new approach into something known. I guess in a way I realized that who we are and the issues and complications we come with, the scars of the past and all, they’ll all still be there no matter what, but one can always find a new way of looking at it and making it work. They’ll never really go away, I guess, no matter how hard I try because there will always be little triggers that will push those buttons. What can go away, however, is the power it has over me.

And so tonight I was made aware of how I must consciously make an effort to break that bad habit of mine. During yoga class my teacher reminded to flip over my hands, open them up to the sky, not just to let go and release, but to also receive for only then can you really be able to give.

As I open up and let go tonight,  I end the day  with a grateful heart, a full one at that :)

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

i am grateful too
♥ for wonderful times spent not just on my mat, but in that place i call my home away from home :)
♥ for an equally wonderful dinner with friends after class
♥ that the term is over! yeeeey!!!
♥ that my eye feels much better
♥ for those little moments in the day when my heart doesn’t hurt so bad and things feel normal again.

gnyt
240/365

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Day 1: A Photo That Makes You Happy

December 1st, 2011 Posted in Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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This is my last 30 day challenge for the year and I’m so excited for it. Thanks to SuperKitty Trixie for the idea :)

Anyway, here’s the first installment….as always I have trouble trimming down so I will post three. Har.

Four hundred years ago, another English guy had an opinion on being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course it was fancier when he said it. No man is an island entire onto himself. Boil down that island talk and he just means that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone. And who's to say that someone can't have four legs. Someone to play with, or run around with, or just hang out - Grey's Anatomy

This is one of the few very great photos I have of my two boys and looking at it always, always makes me smile. Sure they drive me nuts at times, but they bring me so much joy as well :)

I think you can't wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life... I think you have to save yourself. - Grey's Anatomy

The second photo that always makes me soooo very happy is this. It was taken at such a beautiful place by a dear friend of mine and vain as this may sound, it really is one of my prettiest pictures ever. Even if I am not looking up, I feel the joy that was in my heart at that time. However, what really makes me happy about this picture is the fact that I can always look back at that time in my life and know that it was the time when I can say I really started to get to know myself better and the me who became confident in her self and willingness to take risks came out.

my hero :)

The last photo that makes me happy always is this. I think this is the only photo I have left of me and my lolo, and well, that should be enough said :)

Till tomorrow :)

 

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It’s All About Space

November 17th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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Today in yoga it was all about space. And such a fitting theme it was for me, and as always, it spoke deeply to the very core of me. I guess this is why I keep falling deeper and deeper in love with the practice, especially with my two very lovely teachers who always seem to know exactly what to say at the right time for me. The stories and narratives they weave during the practice really make my mat time more than just a physical activity, but through it I believe I am finding my way to what is really most essential, and to the me that I really am.

Anyway, I digress. Like I was saying, today was all about space. As we started in savasana, my teacher asked us to reflect on the word space and to explore what that meant to us (again, I digress: it’s interesting, today in my clinpsy class I did the same thing…ask my students to do word associations and explore the latent and manifest meanings of these words :) ).

For me, I realized, space meant distance…a separation…alone-ness….and I guess I realized I didn’t like it much. Although I do recognize that I am the type of person who (thought many do not believe!) is quite introverted to the point that I wouldn’t mind living in a little bubble just by myself for the most part, there is that side of me that is uncomfortable with wide open space. Maybe that’s why I say I’d be fine living in a little bubble, enclosed in just enough space for myself and nothing else.

“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.”

 

Throughout the practice as we worked on twists and turns, I dawned on me that having too much empty space often makes me restless and uncomfortable, and thus I seek things to fill it up. It’s like being sure of what’s there and comfortable in what is available. I guess it has a lot to do with my fear of losing the familiar and discomfort with uncertainty. Open spaces with no boundaries and lots of distance, for me, can be so free and yet so dangerous because it offers no security, after all. With too much space and distance, I  feel like I lose my place or I get lost in the vastness of things. Maybe that’s why I need that “bubble” or that enclosure so I have that sense of security that filling up spaces makes for me.

In my closing savasana, it hit me that even my disdain for dancing and my love for hooping has a lot to do with space, or the lack of bounds in space. With dancing, for example, you have this wide open space where you’re just free to be, free to explore and open to random spontaneity. With a hoop, you are confined and limited in this sure space. Sure it can be confining, but I do well with working around it. As I started to wake up again from that deep conscious slumber of pentacle, I realized that yes, this is indeed a pattern in my daily routine. Those who know me will agree when I say I can never leave my table clutter free. When it’s empty, I can’t seem to work. But when stuff is all around and I have barely enough room to move, I am most productive. But yeah, it never really lasts very long because the more the things get cluttered around, the less focus I have on what is essential.

I was reminded tonight that by not making space, you squeeze the life out of whatever is in that space, much like weeds in a flower bed. By not making space, be it for yourself, your body or even for others who share space with you, you do not allow for growth to happen. And eventually, it chokes and gets suffocated and stunted. And that hit home VERY hard to me this evening. And though I have not made amends with space yet, I do know better now. Maybe by opening up, letting the grip go a little bit and in its place using a gentle touch, there will be more room to breathe. And with that, many beautiful things can happen.

And when I got home this came up on my Facebook wall…

photo credits: Words & Design by Karen Salmansohn, best selling author, as posted on Positive Outlooks on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/positiveoutlooks)

Pop the bubble, Ri. It’s okay.

And so tonight I am grateful

♥ for the reminder of space

♥ to feel a little bit better and secure about things around me, even if I don’t see it and it seems so far from reach

♥ to have giggled like a little kid today, a lot. A WHOLE LOT.

♥ for Facebook wall posts and texts that always seem to have messages that pop out at the right moment

♥  to have found my way to this yogic path and for the wonderful people that shine a light for me as I explore and grow in this new space of mine. and yeah…maybe indeed it is time to go deeper down this path even more :)

gnyt :)

219/365

 

 

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Just Wait

October 31st, 2011 Posted in Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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Earlier this morning I realized, there’s just about eight and a half weeks or so until the end of the year. A friend of mine pointed that out and that made me take stock of the year that was. It’s gone by so fast, I said. It’s been both very good and quite not-so-good, I went on to continue. She asked me why and I said it’s because it’s been quite frustrating to feel like the plans I had set out for at the start of the year don’t seem to be panning out. For one, I am not graduating by December like I had envisioned. Secondly, I didn’t learn French :( Lastly, the job I was really looking forward to didn’t work out. Then she goes, “but maybe it isn’t over yet. Who knows? Maybe it wasn’t meant for now, but some other time” .

The thing is, that’s just so hard to make peace with, right? After all, no matter how much you know in your head things happen for a reason, disappointment is always still a bitter pill to swallow.

Later on after brunch, we went to have coffee and I saw this sign:

And so today I was reminded to be patient. No matter how long, no matter how hard. All I can do is just take every moment and go with it knowing full well that despite disappointment, despite it not working out the way I want, it is meant to be.

As I end today I am grateful

♥  for random reminders from the Universe

♥ for random conversations

♥  for questions like how are you  and how’s everything…it feels nice, after all, to be remembered

♥  for art projects

♥ for the year that was thus far.

202/365

 

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This and That

October 27th, 2011 Posted in Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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Often times when I sit down in the quiet stillness of my room listening to my thoughts and reflecting on what I am grateful for for the day, I often am able to pinpoint prevalent feelings and emotions that were with me through the day. Granted it never is just one emotion, as people in general I think feel a myriad of things in a day, today I felt, well, for the lack of a better way of describing it, this and that, to say the least…

I felt a wee bit nervous and yet a whole lot excited for the teacher training workshop I am giving tomorrow.

I felt lazy and in physical pain and yet I was so raring to go

I felt sorta sad and nostalgic when I thought back to where I was a year ago today, but yet quite content because of new things that happened anyway.

I felt confused about things I want and the direction in which I wanna go, but yet strangely at peace even so

I felt this and that, like I said. But I realized today, though I felt this and that, I seemed to stay somewhere in the middle. And I guess that’s a good place to be in for now.

But the only clear thing for me is that today, while this and that came my way, I just felt quite grateful for so many things.

And so I end the day with a thank you.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” - Melodie Beattie

I am grateful

♥  that I have my job

♥ for opportunities to share bits and pieces of myself and opportunities to gain bits and pieces for myself as well

♥ for affirmations that came from the most unexpected sources

♥ for the reminder that while I feel like I am doing “nothing” (cognitive that is), my art, my writing and even my yoga are actually “somethings” that are important

♥ to be able to feel both this and that, I suppose :)

good night.

198/365

 

So yes, I felt this and that.

 

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Thoughts Tangled Up Like Spaghetti

October 25th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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There are a million thoughts running through my head tonight and no matter how much I try to step on the brakes, it feels like it’s going a quadrillion miles an hour. On autopilot. Even earlier in yoga, I had trouble trying to quiet down the noise in my head. It’s just rambling and I can’t catch what it’s trying to say…it’s all tangled up like spaghetti and I can’t seem to shut it up and so I am rambling tonight. And talking in circles. And so it’s a bit hard to try and be still and allow my heart to be grateful.

And so I ramble and hope that maybe somehow the free flow of thoughts will allow for clarity to happen….but maybe I should do that on my journal. Or maybe I should just draw.

One thing I know for sure right about now is that I feel a wee bit lost and sad about the way things have unfolded…right now it just seems to feel so foreign to me, the fact that today is not only the complete opposite of today a year ago, but it seems to have gone in three hundred sixty degree turns twice over. It’s like, because I allowed myself to drop my guard and be complacent, everything I knew, I don’t anymore. Okay I’m rambling again. But yeah, I guess time really has a way of changing things, right? And all I can do is try to just let myself be okay with letting that be.

Forever is a long time and time has a way of changing things-Disney's The Fox and The Hound

Tonight I am grateful

♥ for what was, what is, and what will be.

♥ to be able to afford to take time outs from the daily grind

♥ for the day that passed

♥ that I am looking forward to tomorrow

♥ for a nice warm bed to sleep in tonight, even if it isn’t the new one yet.

gnyt.

196/365

 

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Falling In and Out of Love

October 20th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day
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The other night during a long missed kinda one-on-one session with my yin yoga teacher, I told her how missing to many days of yoga in a row led to me losing balance in life outside the mat as well. We talked about how that can indeed happen and I went on to say that there came a point when, compared to the way I felt about yoga prior to my trip to Iloilo and being submerged in that cognitive task called a thesis, I felt like the love was missing and it just became a habit. Don’t get me wrong, I still did enjoy being on the mat a lot. I just wasn’t in love anymore. Then she said that sometimes it does happen. We fall in and out of love. It’s like the tide…sometimes it’s there, sometimes it isn’t. Like anything else in life, she said, it has it’s stages. If it returns, well and good if not, then that’s okay.

And I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of falling out of love when the love was so intense to begin with.  I couldn’t fathom how such emotions can completely vanish so quickly and with no warning. And what’s worse, how it felt like it didn’t even exist at all. I didn’t give it much thought anymore but today in class we were watching the movie Prime. I was preoccupied with papers that I was checking so I wasn’t really watching the movie anymore (besides, I had seen it so many, many times already) but then suddenly, something Meryl Streep’s character said caught my ear…

I suppose yeah, feelings come and go, just like anything else in life. I, however, tend to love to deeply and when I do love something, I give it my all to the point that nothing else exists. Take yoga for example…in the height of my love for it, I did it everyday. It was all I could talk about and it was the only thing I looked forward to in the day. I took in too much. So much that it became simply a habit rather than an expression of love and passion. It dawned on me that, as my vinyasa teacher used to say, always do enough but always leave space for the hunger and thirst for the practice.  I suppose like any delicious pastry or meal, if you have too much, you just get umay or overwhelmed by it’s richness. And that’s where I was.

I had fallen out of love, not because the love did not exist, but because I was holding on too tightly to the way I thought I was supposed to feel and the expectation that it would give me the same high it did in the beginning. And because I couldn’t find that, I was feeling lost and frustrated.

Tonight, however, I decided to practice with no expectations and to just go with the flow. For the first time in weeks, despite the more challenging routine, I did not lose my breath. I did fall off that one pose, but for the most part, I felt reconnected. The love was rekindled.

So yeah, tonight I fell in love with yoga again. Not that I really stopped loving it, I suppose, but yeah, there was a little part of me that fell out of love for a bit. Or maybe I didn’t really fall out of love…it just changed and grew into a different kind of love. I’m lucky, however, that I found that connection again :) It made me realize that while some loves may come and go, some just need a breakand to be redefined.  And to remember that it’s okay.

Tonight I am grateful

♥ to still be in love, even it it’s not in the same way. I suppose that’s what it means to ” grow in love”

♥ for the wonderful feeling of sweat as I practiced today

♥ for workdays that end before noon :)

♥ to have had time to walk my boys under the hot summer-like sun. and yes, I did spritz myself with sunblock and tanning oil.  har.

♥ for messages from my sister. thank you :)

bonne nuit.

191/365

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Not Here, Not There, But Right Where I Am

October 16th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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In yoga class, my teachers always talk about the importance of the transitions. They always tell me that it’s just as important to be mindful of these transitions as it is to getting to the final asana. I remember once, when I was still quite new to the practice, that my Ashtanga teacher would say, keep in mind that it’s the journey that counts, and not just the destination.

In the beginning I would like to think I was mindful. That I was aware. That I was in the present. And that made all the difference.

However, over time I found myself falling into old patterns and going back to auto-pilot mode. As I was reminded tonight during a workshop I attended, it is so easy to lose the self in the process. And yeah, I guess that was very true of me. I was working so hard to move forward, to get to my destination that I forgot about being in the moment. I was holding out for that one opportunity that I thought I really wanted without realizing that by holding on so tightly to that dream or desire, I was not only missing out on all the other chances that were coming my way, but I was also crushing whatever it was I had in my hands.

It really is so easy to get lost in the mix, I tell ya. And when that happens, everything suddenly becomes so confusing, constricted and well, complicated.

However what I failed to realize is that the only reason I was feeling like that is because I kept on forcing the issue, trying to jump from here to there and not just stay right where I am. I guess, as I wrote in my drawing this evening, there was that thought in me that said sometimes you have to walk away and just know it’s okay…kahit sayang. Thing is, my heart kept holding on to the sayang part. Granted that indeed the feeling of panghihinayang may never go away, I realized I really can’t keep holding on to that., or at least my perception of what that is. Maybe it is time to look at it at new lenses, and let it breathe again, knowing full well that like all things, what is true and essential at it’s very core will live and breathe even when things around it die down and destruct.

So tonight I will stand here at the shores, my toes planted firmly in the now. Maybe in a bit I’ll be ready to dip my toes into the waters again. Or maybe it would be time to make a u-turn and head on to dry land. For now, right here is where I am.

Transitions in life are usually marked by major events. Birthdays, graduations, weddings. But the greater transitions often come out of smaller moments. When we stop and look at where we are. Because each time we see how far we've come, we also see how far we still have to go. In order to fully transform, we might need to free ourselves of everything we've been holding on to. To send us on our new path. The right one. But if, at the end, you find the person you've become is not the person you want to be, you can always turn around and try again. And maybe the next time, you won't be so alone when it's over. XOXO, Gossip Girl

Tonight I am grateful

♥ for transitions…today i was actually able to think of people and things that i miss without feeling the bitter sadness anymore that bring tears to my eyes…just fond memories that make me smile and just be grateful it happened

♥ to be reminded of the “I”

♥ for family dinners even when I eat WAY too much

♥ to laugh. wholeheartedly, all the way down to my belly. even if it was in my expense!

♥ for a new week ahead to look forward to.

good night :)

187/365

photo by one of my most favorite photographers (who wouldn’t sell me his dslr at a cheap price!) and former colleague, Marshall Valencia. As promised I will write the stories for your pictures :) PS Happy Birthday :)

 

 

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Broken Dreams and Singed Wings

October 14th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots, Random Thoughts
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A few days ago my Eiffel Tower key chain broke. To be honest, I kinda broke it because I was picking on one of the legs of the tower that had gotten bent. I was forcing it to go back to it’s original position so it would be “fixed” again but in doing so, it cracked. And the next thing I knew, it fell off.

I was quite sad when the leg broke off, not necessarily because of the key chain but because of what it represented to me. Not too long ago in one of my jungle clean-ups (aka attempts to fix my room), I came across several old key chains that had been given to me as pasalubongs over time. Among them was the Eiffel Tower, a gift from my cousin when she came home from Paris. When I saw it, I told myself this was a sign that my dream of going to Paris to see it for myself will come true one day. I told myself that it was a symbol of my prayers for my dreams, a reminder to keep striving to get to it, and a totem to hold on to so I can persevere and keep trying.

To put things in context, just before I ushered in 2011 I said I wanted to do two things this year: to do yoga and to learn French. Well, I did the yoga part but the learning French had to take a back seat to doing my research and so that’s been on hold. However, for some reason I seem to keep running into little signs that point to Paris…such as walking into a sports store and seeing a bag with the Eiffel Tower on it when it was kinda out of place in such a store, or suddenly having a little kid build a puzzle of the Eiffel Tower in some random restaurant…all of those I took as signs pointing to my dreams.

And so when the tower broke, that kinda felt like my dream had broken too. More so, I must admit the feeling of sadness about the brokenness also comes from a deeper source, as my heart and soul have been feeling kinda battered and bruised lately. And yes, a wee bit broken because of the way things have unfolded around me….dreams that haven’t come true….beliefs that turned out to be false….signs that were misinterpreted and misread…and so that physical image of the broken dream kinda made me a little more jaded. I suddenly felt like that proverbial moth who flew too close to the flame and  got her wings singed.

Then today as my cousin and I were talking while stuck in traffic, she said something that kinda made me think about whether the dream is actually broken beyond repair or if it was one that needed to be looked at in a different perspective. Sure it may not be 100% intact anymore, but then it still works, right? Then I said something like I don’t know if the disappointments and feeling of failure, as well as the insecurity that comes along with it, is worth the effort. Nakakapanghinayang, I said. Nakakapagod, nakakalungkot, nakakagalit, at nakakasama ng loob. She goes on to say wag kasi pilitin. Give it time, baka nga mangyari kung hindi e di hindi. So yeah, like my key chain, I’ve been forcing my dreams and desires to happen and in the process, I break things.

Perhaps there’s a reason why things have to break after all…maybe it’s a lesson to be learned, or perhaps an opening for new beginnings. At the moment of it breaking, it may hurt like hell and I guess it may not make sense but eventually, its bound to and maybe then I can see what it’s value was in my life.  And yeah, while there may be some regret that comes along with the process, a wee bit of sadness and dashed hopes for what was and what could have been, it’s gotta have a reason.

This whole thing reminded me of something a friend of mine sent me via a text message some time ago. I can’t remember anymore the exact message but it goes something like there’s no such thing as difficult, only worth it or something of that sort. And with those words in mind (as I have come to love doing lately) I googled those keywords and tried to find a quote that captured what I was feeling and thinking today. I found this:

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." Author Unknown

And so yeah, I’ll give it time. Maybe it isn’t time for Paris yet. Or maybe Paris isn’t the right destination for me….maybe it’s Bali where I can find my own guru and figure out whether teaching yoga is actually in my path or maybe it’s a reminder that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

So tonight I am grateful

♥ for long conversations while stuck in traffic
♥ for five full days of yoga
♥ to find bits and pieces of my heart to put back together again.
♥ to have taken chances, to have loved and lost, and to be able to stand up again even with a “broken foot” like my Eiffel Tower. It still works after all :)
♥ for the pretty blue sky today…it was a welcome reminder that indeed, the sun does come out tomorrow and that sometimes, rainy days are necessary.

good night.

185/365

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Surrender to Grace

October 13th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day
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The word for today was surrender.

Earlier in the day as I was driving to the clinic after my lunch meeting, I was thinking that maybe giving up was the right word. Giving up on the hopes of a job I wasn’t sure of, giving up my Parisian wishes, giving up on the research I really, really don’t wanna do, giving up on the Philippines and just packing up and finally going abroad, giving up on the familiar comforts of home….just giving up.

Then during yoga class (yes, once again the Universe sends me an answer while I’m in yoga class), it dawned on me that giving up isn’t an option. Never was, never will be.

Surrender, however, is.

I guess that’s why people call it “sweet surrender”, right? Because somehow despite the discomfort, uncertainty, and even pain that surrendering may bring, there is indeed something sweet somewhere ’round the corner. It reminded me of something I said last night to one of my oldest and dearest friends…I said sometimes it’s best to just sit there and surrender to the reality of things, not blindly accepting it in defeat, but knowing that by surrendering, things may just begin to become more clear. I went on to tell her too that it doesn’t mean being a passive audience in the things that unfold, but being open enough to allow yourself to accommodate and adapt to what is. After all, that’s what life is all about in the end…survival of the fittest. And I have come to realize that the fittest is not necessarily the one who fights longest or has the best arsenal, but is the one who can finally take a step back and say “I’m tired”  or “I need to take pause”. They’re the one’s too who are wise enough to know when to move forward, when to take a step back or when to stay in place.

And so I will surrender…not give up, but surrender the struggle, surrender the pressure, surrender the pain and open up to grace.

Tonight I am grateful

♥ for progress that comes in baby steps in my asanas…just a few more breaths away from that headstand I tell ya, just a few more

♥ to have been honest enough with myself to give in to my present emotion, even though it meant opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable

♥ to still want things, to feel pleasure and be able to smile despite hurt, anxiety and stress

♥ to still believe in dreams, no matter how jaded or disappointed I have become. yes, I am not giving up on them. I am just surrendering to what may be.

♥  to be able to say I surrender.

gnyt.

184/365

 

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