Day 7: My Worst Habit

December 8th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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Hmmmm…..this is an interesting question to answer. Lemme seee…..for one when I’m stressed I bite my nails. Another is that I tend to get all road rage-y in traffic, and when I get bored because of it, I text…or check my Facebook. I guess you could also say I often take out my feelings on the wrong person/people, and I’m quite hard to understand (in fact, I have come to the realization that maybe it isn’t relationships that are complicated, maybe it’s just me….but that’s another blog post altogether).

Tonight,  however, I have come to realize that my worst habit is not being able to let go. What was that Dr. Teddy Altman said in Grey’s Anatomy, ” I’m not GI Jane, I’m attachment Barbie”.

Over dinner I was telling my friends how I tend to hold on to the familiar and perhaps more than just hold on, I cling to those who show me kindness and to memories of times of pure joy and happiness. I get attached. Too much at times. All too often, to be honest. Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid to not only lose them, but that maybe I won’t ever find my way back there. Maybe it’s also because of deeply rooted habits and patterns that I often become unaware of. Like I said, it’s the worst habit.

As always my yoga classes seem so timely because tonight was all about opening up and letting go. Releasing what we have learned and allowing for a new exploration, a new approach into something known. I guess in a way I realized that who we are and the issues and complications we come with, the scars of the past and all, they’ll all still be there no matter what, but one can always find a new way of looking at it and making it work. They’ll never really go away, I guess, no matter how hard I try because there will always be little triggers that will push those buttons. What can go away, however, is the power it has over me.

And so tonight I was made aware of how I must consciously make an effort to break that bad habit of mine. During yoga class my teacher reminded to flip over my hands, open them up to the sky, not just to let go and release, but to also receive for only then can you really be able to give.

As I open up and let go tonight,  I end the day  with a grateful heart, a full one at that :)

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

i am grateful too
♥ for wonderful times spent not just on my mat, but in that place i call my home away from home :)
♥ for an equally wonderful dinner with friends after class
♥ that the term is over! yeeeey!!!
♥ that my eye feels much better
♥ for those little moments in the day when my heart doesn’t hurt so bad and things feel normal again.

gnyt
240/365

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It’s All About Space

November 17th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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Today in yoga it was all about space. And such a fitting theme it was for me, and as always, it spoke deeply to the very core of me. I guess this is why I keep falling deeper and deeper in love with the practice, especially with my two very lovely teachers who always seem to know exactly what to say at the right time for me. The stories and narratives they weave during the practice really make my mat time more than just a physical activity, but through it I believe I am finding my way to what is really most essential, and to the me that I really am.

Anyway, I digress. Like I was saying, today was all about space. As we started in savasana, my teacher asked us to reflect on the word space and to explore what that meant to us (again, I digress: it’s interesting, today in my clinpsy class I did the same thing…ask my students to do word associations and explore the latent and manifest meanings of these words :) ).

For me, I realized, space meant distance…a separation…alone-ness….and I guess I realized I didn’t like it much. Although I do recognize that I am the type of person who (thought many do not believe!) is quite introverted to the point that I wouldn’t mind living in a little bubble just by myself for the most part, there is that side of me that is uncomfortable with wide open space. Maybe that’s why I say I’d be fine living in a little bubble, enclosed in just enough space for myself and nothing else.

“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again.”

 

Throughout the practice as we worked on twists and turns, I dawned on me that having too much empty space often makes me restless and uncomfortable, and thus I seek things to fill it up. It’s like being sure of what’s there and comfortable in what is available. I guess it has a lot to do with my fear of losing the familiar and discomfort with uncertainty. Open spaces with no boundaries and lots of distance, for me, can be so free and yet so dangerous because it offers no security, after all. With too much space and distance, I  feel like I lose my place or I get lost in the vastness of things. Maybe that’s why I need that “bubble” or that enclosure so I have that sense of security that filling up spaces makes for me.

In my closing savasana, it hit me that even my disdain for dancing and my love for hooping has a lot to do with space, or the lack of bounds in space. With dancing, for example, you have this wide open space where you’re just free to be, free to explore and open to random spontaneity. With a hoop, you are confined and limited in this sure space. Sure it can be confining, but I do well with working around it. As I started to wake up again from that deep conscious slumber of pentacle, I realized that yes, this is indeed a pattern in my daily routine. Those who know me will agree when I say I can never leave my table clutter free. When it’s empty, I can’t seem to work. But when stuff is all around and I have barely enough room to move, I am most productive. But yeah, it never really lasts very long because the more the things get cluttered around, the less focus I have on what is essential.

I was reminded tonight that by not making space, you squeeze the life out of whatever is in that space, much like weeds in a flower bed. By not making space, be it for yourself, your body or even for others who share space with you, you do not allow for growth to happen. And eventually, it chokes and gets suffocated and stunted. And that hit home VERY hard to me this evening. And though I have not made amends with space yet, I do know better now. Maybe by opening up, letting the grip go a little bit and in its place using a gentle touch, there will be more room to breathe. And with that, many beautiful things can happen.

And when I got home this came up on my Facebook wall…

photo credits: Words & Design by Karen Salmansohn, best selling author, as posted on Positive Outlooks on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/positiveoutlooks)

Pop the bubble, Ri. It’s okay.

And so tonight I am grateful

♥ for the reminder of space

♥ to feel a little bit better and secure about things around me, even if I don’t see it and it seems so far from reach

♥ to have giggled like a little kid today, a lot. A WHOLE LOT.

♥ for Facebook wall posts and texts that always seem to have messages that pop out at the right moment

♥  to have found my way to this yogic path and for the wonderful people that shine a light for me as I explore and grow in this new space of mine. and yeah…maybe indeed it is time to go deeper down this path even more :)

gnyt :)

219/365

 

 

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On Crutches and Defenses

November 6th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons
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Today I spent a huge chunk of the day on a yoga mat. It was such a wonderful experience :) For the past year, as those who have been following my journey know, I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with the practice of yoga and though I have been wanting to join in on this yoga immersion program (or those yoga retreats for that matter) I never had the chance to.  However today I was finally able to attend one of the workshops. It was only supposed to be a three hour backbends and twists workshops but I was so blessed to have been given the chance to stay the whole day with the core group of participants who have been taking the course for the past few weeks.

The practice of yoga never fails to amaze me and leave me in awe, and today is no exception. It’s really more than just a physical thing and every time I get to explore the practice more and more, the more I feel like I know nothing and (as one of the students said) that’s okay :) And that’s not something easy for me to say, especially since I am the type of person who always needs to be in the know.

Anyway, what really got me today is something one of the other participants said in class. He used the word “crutch” and I honestly do not remember the context in which it was used but what struck me in that exchange is what was said about crutches or things we do (or habits, or in my kinda-psych-way of interpreting it, defense mechanisms). What I took from it is that in the practice of yoga, sometimes we get so used to doing a pose in a certain way that we lose the integrity of the asana because we have this image of the way the pose should look but we end up forcing the issue without intending to. And I guess that’s very true about our lives off the mat, too. Then the teacher said something about how at first, crutches may be necessary because this is what allows for the building of a stable foundation in the beginning. Like defenses, these are necessary for the ego to build confidence, stability and find a foundation. Eventually, however, those proverbial blinders would have to be lifted and things have to be looked at from new lenses, and the supports must be taken away because if not, growth will end up being stunted because it becomes dependent on the crutch, thus not giving it it’s own “legs” to stand on.

The image that popped into my head was like those little plants that have props to cling to. It’s necessary to have them at first because sometimes it needs the support to let its roots grow deep down into the earth and without that crutch, it just can’t get it’s foundation right. The crutch gives it its stability and foundation, thus allowing it to find its grounding into the earth, but once it is ready, it can bloom on it’s own.

And I guess that’s true about life too. We find crutches, be it our addictions like coffee or certain activities (mine being beach trips for example) and think that we need this to keep going, but in truth, even without them ALL the time, we’d be fine. Sure once in a while they  help bring us back to our roots, but we perhaps we don’t really need it…maybe want is a better way of looking at it :)

And so tonight I end with a heart filled with gratitude

♥ to have been reminded that at times, crutches are necessary for growth to start and for discernment to happen. just like a plant, sometimes you need support to let your roots grow and find it’s foundation

♥ to know that while those supports may not be there forever, what you take from it can never be taken away

♥ for new beginnings and makeovers, both internally and externally. yes, I am learning to makeover my asanas and when I got home, I got to makeover my room too because my new bed finally came.

♥ for balance and hula-hoop hips :) I finally got what it means to be “integrated” in an asana

♥ for courage to face challenges, no matter how uncomfortable, no matter how painful, no matter how uncertain the results may be.

good night.

208/365

 

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Thoughts Tangled Up Like Spaghetti

October 25th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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There are a million thoughts running through my head tonight and no matter how much I try to step on the brakes, it feels like it’s going a quadrillion miles an hour. On autopilot. Even earlier in yoga, I had trouble trying to quiet down the noise in my head. It’s just rambling and I can’t catch what it’s trying to say…it’s all tangled up like spaghetti and I can’t seem to shut it up and so I am rambling tonight. And talking in circles. And so it’s a bit hard to try and be still and allow my heart to be grateful.

And so I ramble and hope that maybe somehow the free flow of thoughts will allow for clarity to happen….but maybe I should do that on my journal. Or maybe I should just draw.

One thing I know for sure right about now is that I feel a wee bit lost and sad about the way things have unfolded…right now it just seems to feel so foreign to me, the fact that today is not only the complete opposite of today a year ago, but it seems to have gone in three hundred sixty degree turns twice over. It’s like, because I allowed myself to drop my guard and be complacent, everything I knew, I don’t anymore. Okay I’m rambling again. But yeah, I guess time really has a way of changing things, right? And all I can do is try to just let myself be okay with letting that be.

Forever is a long time and time has a way of changing things-Disney's The Fox and The Hound

Tonight I am grateful

♥ for what was, what is, and what will be.

♥ to be able to afford to take time outs from the daily grind

♥ for the day that passed

♥ that I am looking forward to tomorrow

♥ for a nice warm bed to sleep in tonight, even if it isn’t the new one yet.

gnyt.

196/365

 

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Falling In and Out of Love

October 20th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day
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The other night during a long missed kinda one-on-one session with my yin yoga teacher, I told her how missing to many days of yoga in a row led to me losing balance in life outside the mat as well. We talked about how that can indeed happen and I went on to say that there came a point when, compared to the way I felt about yoga prior to my trip to Iloilo and being submerged in that cognitive task called a thesis, I felt like the love was missing and it just became a habit. Don’t get me wrong, I still did enjoy being on the mat a lot. I just wasn’t in love anymore. Then she said that sometimes it does happen. We fall in and out of love. It’s like the tide…sometimes it’s there, sometimes it isn’t. Like anything else in life, she said, it has it’s stages. If it returns, well and good if not, then that’s okay.

And I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept of falling out of love when the love was so intense to begin with.  I couldn’t fathom how such emotions can completely vanish so quickly and with no warning. And what’s worse, how it felt like it didn’t even exist at all. I didn’t give it much thought anymore but today in class we were watching the movie Prime. I was preoccupied with papers that I was checking so I wasn’t really watching the movie anymore (besides, I had seen it so many, many times already) but then suddenly, something Meryl Streep’s character said caught my ear…

I suppose yeah, feelings come and go, just like anything else in life. I, however, tend to love to deeply and when I do love something, I give it my all to the point that nothing else exists. Take yoga for example…in the height of my love for it, I did it everyday. It was all I could talk about and it was the only thing I looked forward to in the day. I took in too much. So much that it became simply a habit rather than an expression of love and passion. It dawned on me that, as my vinyasa teacher used to say, always do enough but always leave space for the hunger and thirst for the practice.  I suppose like any delicious pastry or meal, if you have too much, you just get umay or overwhelmed by it’s richness. And that’s where I was.

I had fallen out of love, not because the love did not exist, but because I was holding on too tightly to the way I thought I was supposed to feel and the expectation that it would give me the same high it did in the beginning. And because I couldn’t find that, I was feeling lost and frustrated.

Tonight, however, I decided to practice with no expectations and to just go with the flow. For the first time in weeks, despite the more challenging routine, I did not lose my breath. I did fall off that one pose, but for the most part, I felt reconnected. The love was rekindled.

So yeah, tonight I fell in love with yoga again. Not that I really stopped loving it, I suppose, but yeah, there was a little part of me that fell out of love for a bit. Or maybe I didn’t really fall out of love…it just changed and grew into a different kind of love. I’m lucky, however, that I found that connection again :) It made me realize that while some loves may come and go, some just need a breakand to be redefined.  And to remember that it’s okay.

Tonight I am grateful

♥ to still be in love, even it it’s not in the same way. I suppose that’s what it means to ” grow in love”

♥ for the wonderful feeling of sweat as I practiced today

♥ for workdays that end before noon :)

♥ to have had time to walk my boys under the hot summer-like sun. and yes, I did spritz myself with sunblock and tanning oil.  har.

♥ for messages from my sister. thank you :)

bonne nuit.

191/365

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Raising the White Flag

October 18th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Note To Self, Project 365, Random Thoughts
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Over dinner tonight my mom asked me what was made me decide to finally cut my hair. Like I said in the past post about my sudden hair chop (literally…it went beyond just cutting, but a chopping!), it was just time for a change.

Yes, cutting off my hair was really a symbolic way for me to cut off all the bad stuff I was in at that present moment. It was a rather impulsive move, I know, but it had to be done. Granted that reality set in the next day, I have come to learn to live with the consequences of my haircut.

Interestingly enough, just before dinner I was so wonderfully blessed with a yin session at my yoga teachers house and for some reason, she decided to talk about karma in her narrations tonight. As always it was exactly what my heart needed today.It needed to be reminded to live in the present moment, keeping in mind that karma is not always that grand thing alone, but an everyday thing as well.As I asked earlier, what did I do to get here? and how did I get here in the first place???

The answer was simple: karma.

The good thing about karma, my teacher said, is that you’re not stuck where you are. You can actually take in the moment and make better choices. Or at least do something to get out of there. Every moment, after all, offers you a new beginning. A rebirth of sorts.

So my haircut, I guess it was like a rebirth. Thing is I was still holding on to the “hair” , much like a phantom limb. I just didn’t realize it. My soul did know it though…as she made me point out today, there are 5 simple rules to make it though any day….

And so for now I raise the white flag and leave it up to karma to unfold.

Tonight I am grateful

♥  for coincidences, messages and reminders from random thoughts, people and situations around me.
♥  to find myself in a more still place where resolution lies
♥  for that wonderful yin session
♥ for work that was accomplished today
♥  to, for the first time in weeks, feel my smile radiate throughout my entire body.

bonne nuit, mes amies.
188/365

oh…and an additional thing I am grateful for…to know that keeping this gratitude journal does not only allow me to see the good in everyday but that it inspires others as well :) i may be a drama queen and at times an emotional vampire when i get melodramatic, but i must say that i am glad i can pass around some positive vibes in my own way :)

 

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Not Here, Not There, But Right Where I Am

October 16th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots
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In yoga class, my teachers always talk about the importance of the transitions. They always tell me that it’s just as important to be mindful of these transitions as it is to getting to the final asana. I remember once, when I was still quite new to the practice, that my Ashtanga teacher would say, keep in mind that it’s the journey that counts, and not just the destination.

In the beginning I would like to think I was mindful. That I was aware. That I was in the present. And that made all the difference.

However, over time I found myself falling into old patterns and going back to auto-pilot mode. As I was reminded tonight during a workshop I attended, it is so easy to lose the self in the process. And yeah, I guess that was very true of me. I was working so hard to move forward, to get to my destination that I forgot about being in the moment. I was holding out for that one opportunity that I thought I really wanted without realizing that by holding on so tightly to that dream or desire, I was not only missing out on all the other chances that were coming my way, but I was also crushing whatever it was I had in my hands.

It really is so easy to get lost in the mix, I tell ya. And when that happens, everything suddenly becomes so confusing, constricted and well, complicated.

However what I failed to realize is that the only reason I was feeling like that is because I kept on forcing the issue, trying to jump from here to there and not just stay right where I am. I guess, as I wrote in my drawing this evening, there was that thought in me that said sometimes you have to walk away and just know it’s okay…kahit sayang. Thing is, my heart kept holding on to the sayang part. Granted that indeed the feeling of panghihinayang may never go away, I realized I really can’t keep holding on to that., or at least my perception of what that is. Maybe it is time to look at it at new lenses, and let it breathe again, knowing full well that like all things, what is true and essential at it’s very core will live and breathe even when things around it die down and destruct.

So tonight I will stand here at the shores, my toes planted firmly in the now. Maybe in a bit I’ll be ready to dip my toes into the waters again. Or maybe it would be time to make a u-turn and head on to dry land. For now, right here is where I am.

Transitions in life are usually marked by major events. Birthdays, graduations, weddings. But the greater transitions often come out of smaller moments. When we stop and look at where we are. Because each time we see how far we've come, we also see how far we still have to go. In order to fully transform, we might need to free ourselves of everything we've been holding on to. To send us on our new path. The right one. But if, at the end, you find the person you've become is not the person you want to be, you can always turn around and try again. And maybe the next time, you won't be so alone when it's over. XOXO, Gossip Girl

Tonight I am grateful

♥ for transitions…today i was actually able to think of people and things that i miss without feeling the bitter sadness anymore that bring tears to my eyes…just fond memories that make me smile and just be grateful it happened

♥ to be reminded of the “I”

♥ for family dinners even when I eat WAY too much

♥ to laugh. wholeheartedly, all the way down to my belly. even if it was in my expense!

♥ for a new week ahead to look forward to.

good night :)

187/365

photo by one of my most favorite photographers (who wouldn’t sell me his dslr at a cheap price!) and former colleague, Marshall Valencia. As promised I will write the stories for your pictures :) PS Happy Birthday :)

 

 

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Broken Dreams and Singed Wings

October 14th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Project 365, Quote for the Day, Random Snapshots, Random Thoughts
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A few days ago my Eiffel Tower key chain broke. To be honest, I kinda broke it because I was picking on one of the legs of the tower that had gotten bent. I was forcing it to go back to it’s original position so it would be “fixed” again but in doing so, it cracked. And the next thing I knew, it fell off.

I was quite sad when the leg broke off, not necessarily because of the key chain but because of what it represented to me. Not too long ago in one of my jungle clean-ups (aka attempts to fix my room), I came across several old key chains that had been given to me as pasalubongs over time. Among them was the Eiffel Tower, a gift from my cousin when she came home from Paris. When I saw it, I told myself this was a sign that my dream of going to Paris to see it for myself will come true one day. I told myself that it was a symbol of my prayers for my dreams, a reminder to keep striving to get to it, and a totem to hold on to so I can persevere and keep trying.

To put things in context, just before I ushered in 2011 I said I wanted to do two things this year: to do yoga and to learn French. Well, I did the yoga part but the learning French had to take a back seat to doing my research and so that’s been on hold. However, for some reason I seem to keep running into little signs that point to Paris…such as walking into a sports store and seeing a bag with the Eiffel Tower on it when it was kinda out of place in such a store, or suddenly having a little kid build a puzzle of the Eiffel Tower in some random restaurant…all of those I took as signs pointing to my dreams.

And so when the tower broke, that kinda felt like my dream had broken too. More so, I must admit the feeling of sadness about the brokenness also comes from a deeper source, as my heart and soul have been feeling kinda battered and bruised lately. And yes, a wee bit broken because of the way things have unfolded around me….dreams that haven’t come true….beliefs that turned out to be false….signs that were misinterpreted and misread…and so that physical image of the broken dream kinda made me a little more jaded. I suddenly felt like that proverbial moth who flew too close to the flame and  got her wings singed.

Then today as my cousin and I were talking while stuck in traffic, she said something that kinda made me think about whether the dream is actually broken beyond repair or if it was one that needed to be looked at in a different perspective. Sure it may not be 100% intact anymore, but then it still works, right? Then I said something like I don’t know if the disappointments and feeling of failure, as well as the insecurity that comes along with it, is worth the effort. Nakakapanghinayang, I said. Nakakapagod, nakakalungkot, nakakagalit, at nakakasama ng loob. She goes on to say wag kasi pilitin. Give it time, baka nga mangyari kung hindi e di hindi. So yeah, like my key chain, I’ve been forcing my dreams and desires to happen and in the process, I break things.

Perhaps there’s a reason why things have to break after all…maybe it’s a lesson to be learned, or perhaps an opening for new beginnings. At the moment of it breaking, it may hurt like hell and I guess it may not make sense but eventually, its bound to and maybe then I can see what it’s value was in my life.  And yeah, while there may be some regret that comes along with the process, a wee bit of sadness and dashed hopes for what was and what could have been, it’s gotta have a reason.

This whole thing reminded me of something a friend of mine sent me via a text message some time ago. I can’t remember anymore the exact message but it goes something like there’s no such thing as difficult, only worth it or something of that sort. And with those words in mind (as I have come to love doing lately) I googled those keywords and tried to find a quote that captured what I was feeling and thinking today. I found this:

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." Author Unknown

And so yeah, I’ll give it time. Maybe it isn’t time for Paris yet. Or maybe Paris isn’t the right destination for me….maybe it’s Bali where I can find my own guru and figure out whether teaching yoga is actually in my path or maybe it’s a reminder that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

So tonight I am grateful

♥ for long conversations while stuck in traffic
♥ for five full days of yoga
♥ to find bits and pieces of my heart to put back together again.
♥ to have taken chances, to have loved and lost, and to be able to stand up again even with a “broken foot” like my Eiffel Tower. It still works after all :)
♥ for the pretty blue sky today…it was a welcome reminder that indeed, the sun does come out tomorrow and that sometimes, rainy days are necessary.

good night.

185/365

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Surrender to Grace

October 13th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day
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The word for today was surrender.

Earlier in the day as I was driving to the clinic after my lunch meeting, I was thinking that maybe giving up was the right word. Giving up on the hopes of a job I wasn’t sure of, giving up my Parisian wishes, giving up on the research I really, really don’t wanna do, giving up on the Philippines and just packing up and finally going abroad, giving up on the familiar comforts of home….just giving up.

Then during yoga class (yes, once again the Universe sends me an answer while I’m in yoga class), it dawned on me that giving up isn’t an option. Never was, never will be.

Surrender, however, is.

I guess that’s why people call it “sweet surrender”, right? Because somehow despite the discomfort, uncertainty, and even pain that surrendering may bring, there is indeed something sweet somewhere ’round the corner. It reminded me of something I said last night to one of my oldest and dearest friends…I said sometimes it’s best to just sit there and surrender to the reality of things, not blindly accepting it in defeat, but knowing that by surrendering, things may just begin to become more clear. I went on to tell her too that it doesn’t mean being a passive audience in the things that unfold, but being open enough to allow yourself to accommodate and adapt to what is. After all, that’s what life is all about in the end…survival of the fittest. And I have come to realize that the fittest is not necessarily the one who fights longest or has the best arsenal, but is the one who can finally take a step back and say “I’m tired”  or “I need to take pause”. They’re the one’s too who are wise enough to know when to move forward, when to take a step back or when to stay in place.

And so I will surrender…not give up, but surrender the struggle, surrender the pressure, surrender the pain and open up to grace.

Tonight I am grateful

♥ for progress that comes in baby steps in my asanas…just a few more breaths away from that headstand I tell ya, just a few more

♥ to have been honest enough with myself to give in to my present emotion, even though it meant opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable

♥ to still want things, to feel pleasure and be able to smile despite hurt, anxiety and stress

♥ to still believe in dreams, no matter how jaded or disappointed I have become. yes, I am not giving up on them. I am just surrendering to what may be.

♥  to be able to say I surrender.

gnyt.

184/365

 

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Happy, Sad, Glad…Mad.

October 12th, 2011 Posted in Gratitude Journal, Life Lessons, Note To Self, Project 365, Quote for the Day
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Today I woke up angry.

Well…I guess I have to admit I went to bed a little angry too. More so, I was angry even earlier in the evening.  And so yeah, the minute I opened my eyes today the only thing I could feel was angry. I was so angry I had to text my yoga teacher to ask her if she could please not make us do any dragon poses in our yin class today because for some reason, those poses always, always make me feel angry. I don’t really feel like thinking about why those poses make me angry, but all I knew was today I didn’t feel like dealing with anger. I just wanted it to go away.

To be fair, it was quite a different emotion to wake up to. Lately I’ve been describing my feelings as either happy, sad, glad, or glum…but not mad or angry. And then I realized that maybe indeed I was angry about quite a few things. Angry with myself, angry with people around me, angry with Joe, just plain old angry. But at the end of the day, I knew that the thing I was most angry about was myself, for having been so unmindful and unfocused lately, so much so that I don’t make sense to myself anymore. And yeah, I do know that the anger was coming from the fact that there are things I know I should face up to and admit but don’t feel brave enough to facing yet. This quote sums it up quite well:

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly--hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. Joan Rivers

I didn’t realize that I’ve been feeling this way for so long….hurt, bitter, fearful…If I look back where it was coming from, I realize it was, what, around August, perhaps? And because I was blinded by the symptom of those feelings, anger that is, I became, much as it is hard to admit, toxic to others around me. What’s that Meredith Grey said in that episode where there was a restaurant shooting?  “So what makes anger different from the six other deadly sins? It’s pretty simple really. You give in to a sin like envy or pride, and you only hurt yourself. Try lust or coveting and you’ll only hurt yourself and one or two others. But anger is the worst… the mother of all sins… Not only can anger drive you over the edge, when it does, you can take an awful lot of people with you.”

And so admitting it out loud this morning that I was angry felt quite liberating. Thankfully my yoga teacher was kind enough to not throw in any of the dragons in class today, and that she even started the practice with butterfly (yeah, I know it wasn’t because of my but well, I’m grateful she did :) ).  Being able to say I am angry also felt quite good after some time. Kinda like all the pressure in my chest suddenly was released and I could breathe a little freer than lately. And yeah, I did get a bit of my focus back and was able to get things done. Being able to recognize that today allowed me to regroup and reconnect with what was important. I end the day with less of that anger, but I have to admit, there is a part of me that still seeks closure from that which bothers me and so maybe next time I get to go to a yin class, I will be brave enough to slay those dragons. And yes, maybe by slaying those dragons I will release all that unnecessary drama that apparently I have been passing on to others, taking down a lot of others with me in the process. For that I will always be sorry and perhaps one day I can make it back to being a bright ray of sunshine rather than a toxic cloud of negative emotions.

But as for tonight, I will end the day with gratitude.

today i am grateful
♥ for wonderfully challenging back-to-back vinyasa and yin sessions on the mat…pure love and joy.
♥ to reconnect with the soul, the self, and all the things that really matter
♥ for a relatively productive day….work ALL done! :) yey.
♥ for an afternoon talking about some of the things i love most…yoga and blogging. uy…research question brewing (errr….seriously, ri, se…riously???)
♥ to have gotten several compliments about my haircut. i’ve been doubting my decision lately and i guess it was good to be reminded that it WAS a good choice.

gnyty :)
183/365

Photo: “toe family” by Janine, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved

 

 

 

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