I finally, after so many, many weeks of not being able to do so, made my way back to yin yoga class. As always, the quiet stillness that yin brings me makes me realize so many things as it is perhaps one of the most intimate times I have with just my soul. It was bright and sunny when we started the practice. A wee bit stuffy, I must say. We started the class with my all-time favorite pose, the butterfly. Immediately I felt a warmth embrace my heart and just suddenly all the tightness in my chest felt so much lighter and though I felt tears spring to my eyes, this time they didn’t bring bitter pain, rather it was a sense of nostalgia and relief I felt. When I sat up after the pose, through the window pane and right in front of my teachers mat was a pretty rainbow. Brightly colored, deep and intense. All I could do was smile and know that it was a sign of things to come.
As always the poses and the stories woven by my yoga teacher always resonates with what my innermost thoughts and feelings. Early on into the practice, one thing hit home to me immediately…it is so easy to fall back into old, hard-wired patterns of behavior. It creeps up so surreptitiously, with no warning signs at all. If you are unmindful or drop your guard, it is so easy for it to overtake and just take hold of you once again.
And yes, that’s where I found myself these past few weeks. Trapped in old patterns of behavior without realizing it, without paying heed, unmindful of everything else but the stubborn belief that I was in the right. I fell hard and deep because I failed to be still. To listen. To breathe. To just be.
I got caught up in my anxieties. I got trapped by my insecurities. I was a slave, once more, to impulses that would not be patient and just wait. In doing so, I became a cesspool of toxicity, not just to myself but to others around me. I leached energy from wherever I could grab it, and I leaked out whatever I had.I lost sight of all the good because I got caught up in what I was holding on to. Like that proverbial moth to a flame, I found myself drawn to the fire and got singed and burnt. Sadly, because of my carelessness, I singed and burnt my surroundings as well. As a result, I managed to cause so much hurt and damage along the way.
Admittedly I found myself struggling a wee bit with the stillness tonight. Much like a cartoon in my head, I watched the two sides of me converse and bicker, trying hard to negotiate and bargain until in the end, I realized the only thing left to be done was to accept that that’s the way it is for now.
And so as I sat in saddle this evening, this quote from the book I am rereading came to mind…
I remembered how I had so casually labeled that pose an “enemy”. In the beginning I expected to find the usual discomfort and pain getting in to it, but surprisingly, it didn’t hurt that bad. I realized that I had indeed created such characters —on and off the mat — and I held on too much to these roles, believing that this was the only way it would be.
I was wrong. It was wrong of me to be so definitive in my stance, forgetting to soften and just allow for things (and myself) to just be. I became so fixated in the way things SHOULD be (according to my perceptions that is) that I did not see what was happening along the way. Perhaps all the grief and pain I have been feeling lately is really just the pain of losing something I made up, something I misguidedly created and not the real thing and if I release the what-might-have-been, then I can find the what-really-is.
Tonight I am reminded to soften and let go. To release and surrender and to trust the path that lies ahead, knowing full well that as long as I keep my head on straight, listen to my heart and open up to what might be, and to be still despite discomfort, there is much indeed to be gained.
And so I end the day with a grateful heart…
♥ i am grateful to be reminded to be mindful and aware
♥ i am grateful to find my way back to being me, even if it is taking a long, long time
♥ i am grateful for signs
♥ i am grateful to find a flicker of hope once again
♥ i am grateful for all the wonderful dots in my life